Who he is or What he is?

by Erin
(Australia)

I've come to a point where I am not sure whether or not I like someone and I'm not sure where to find an answer.

I started to like a guy last year, he was the same age as me and we both went to the same school and even though he was in the year above we were interested in out of class activities.

I stopped liking him for a couple of months and then we started to hang out again at a Bible study and the feelings came back.

But now I'm not so sure if I even like him for him or if I like the qualities that I see in him: strong Christian, kind, smart, good relationship with family.

I haven't told him how I feel, because I don't want to ruin things and I have much to learn about him and him about me and that I'm not sure if I actually do like him or not.

-Erin

James' Answer: Liking vs. Loving

We put a lot of emphasis on feelings nowdays. I think in some cases we put too much emphasis on them.

Feelings are fickle. They come and go. Unfortunately, they guide a lot of people's behaviors. From little choices like what to order at a restaurant, to big ones like which house to buy, we make a lot of our decisions based on how we feel.

The problem with that is when our feelings change, we are left with the decision we made.

Have you ever been so angry with someone that you could just wring their neck? Well it's a good thing you didn't strangle them, because that kind of an action based on a momentary feeling would have long-range negative consequences for everyone involved.

What happens if you really really like someone, and like them and like them until you decide to marry them? What happens when they do something you don't like? Do we just say "oh well, it wasn't meant to be" and give up?

Sadly, that's how many relationships (even marriages) end.

Here's the thing about relationships...

They take work.

Whether this is a friendship or a romantic relationship, it will only thrive when we put in the effort to make it grow.

Of course, when the feelings are there, it seems like no work at all. In fact, it seems like a joy!

But when the feelings go away, fade, or change... then we stop putting in the effort because we just don't "feel" like it.

I'm not saying that feelings don't matter in your case, Erin. Your feelings are important.

But (you knew there was a "but" coming!) feelings can't be more important than good decisions.

We have been socialized to believe that feelings are the most important things in the world. Well that's fine if you want to believe that, and ride the mostly downward-spiraling roller coaster that follows.

Life carries amazing moments of joy and a lot of really terrible moments that make us feel bad (losing loved ones, being disappointed by them, suffering other losses, etc.)

But we still need to live the best lives we can (to the glory of God, and by His grace) despite how we feel in the moment.

Here's a new idea... what if we made decisions based on our core values instead of our momentary feelings?

For example... instead of going up to someone and saying "I really like you" ... try communicating something like this in a conversation (not verbatim, of course... that would kill the mood)

"You have a lot of qualities that I really admire (maybe even list some) and it feels like we share some important core values. I'd like to spend some time getting to know you better."

If a decision is based on our core values, then we can stand by it through thick and thin... no matter what life throws at us. We know that, since our values are based on God's truth, the work that goes into living out our decisions will not be in vain.

It's okay to have feelings. Have them. Acknowledge that they are there. Don't waste time judging or evaluating those feelings... just notice them.

Then turn back to your core values which define who you are as a child of God and let those values guide your hands, feet, and mouth.

You won't go wrong.