Torn and confused

by Grace
(USA)

I am 18 years old and just broke up with my boyfriend. He is an amazing, very godly 20 year old. We broke up because we had both begun to put each other first instead of God.

He told me God had showed this to him, also that he had received confirmation by other people. We set a date for exactly one year from that day to get together and share what God had done in our lives during that year.

At first, I was too shocked to know what to think. For about 2 weeks it threw me into a deep depression.

I am finally beginning to be able to let go, but I still love him deeply and hope that we can begin anew one day. We have remained close friends through this and I believe God has more things for us to accomplish first.

A few months before we began our relationship, God revealed to me that He would use our relationship in a great way. He also said to wait on His timing. Looking back, I can see that we did jump ahead of His timing.. If we had waited, I wonder what would have happened. Maybe we just delayed it a few months because of this?

I have made a decision to put God first, He is my Ultimate Lover.. The only One who can really fill me.

I have also surrendered my feelings, hopes, and dreams to Him. I believe He has confirmed that we will begin a new relationship in the future, but before that, I need to really become one with Him.

How do I get to that place? I want God to be my only desire, but I cannot just ignore my feelings for my old boyfriend...

I feel so torn and tired of wrestling with this.

James' Answer: Asking, Seeking, Knocking

Grace,

Thanks for sharing a bit of your journey here with us... I think you've got an amazing heart for the Lord, and I praise Him for the work that He's already done in your life to allow you to write such words of surrender to His will.

I hope that many people read your post here and see how God can work to purify us and draw us to Himself even through circumstances that seem like the last thing we would wish for.

And if your boyfriend is the strong man of God that you say he is, I sincerely hope that he appreciates the gem of your soul and comes back to you for a marriage relationship when God's timing is right.

You are right; God does want to be #1 in your life; ahead of all other passions and desires. Some people just don't get it... I try to explain that God comes first; even before my own family... but I think you are beginning to understand - or God is beginning to show you this deep truth.

Really, whatever the outcome of this experience, you will realize this deep truth that putting God first makes us better husbands, better wives, better parents and better friends. I am so thankful that God is first in my wife's life; even before me. Here is the simple reason why this is so good...

Our love is limited. Sure, when we're 18 and head-over-heels (maybe a little infatuated) our love seems limitless and invincible. I know, I've been there. But ask someone who's had one of the approximately 50% of first-time marriages that fail... our love is very limited.

But the good news, of course, is that God's love is NOT limited and conditional like ours is. He loved us first. Before we loved Him. Even when we make mistakes, even when we grieve Him deeply. When we experience that love; when we put that relationship first in our lives, it fills us up to overflowing with God's love.

When we put God first, we become like conduits for His love, instead of broken and empty vessels that are constantly running out of our own love-reserves.

Like an Addiction?!

This next year can be an amazing opportunity for you to grow closer to God and experience His love in ways you can only begin to imagine now. Meanwhile, the challenge you are experiencing is completely understandable and even normal...

We actually develop low-grade addictions to people over time. How is that? Watch this: when you are around your boyfriend, his qualities of personality, spirituality, physical presence, etc. - all the things that attract you to him - causes your brain to release some very yummy chemicals. That's why there are so many jokes about the silly things people do when they're in love!

You are going through a kind of withdrawal from that right now. You really want it (and he makes you feel that way) so being parted from him is as hard on you as taking cigarettes away from a serious smoker. You are experiencing some very understandable and very uncomfortable feelings.

Let's continue with the smoker analogy for a moment; it's not perfect, but it'll do. You don't just take away a smoker's cigarettes and send him on his way... that's a recipe for misery and relapse. The smokes need to be replaced by something else, because it wasn't just about the nicotine... it was an entirely familiar personal ritual and stress-reducer and social activity too.

I knew a guy who started carrying around a box of Good 'n Plenty candies... others chew gum... some people knit or carve to keep their hands busy.

And the same with you: it's not just the yummy feelings that you'll miss... it's a whole range of little details about your relationship that you could describe much better than I.

While nothing else will be quite the same, he does leave a void that needs to be replaced in your life. If you don't fill that void with the right things, our enemy will gladly do it for you.

You already know what the ideal replacement is. God can fill that need like no one else can, and He will when you keep after Him. God loves to give good gifts to His children, and the best one He can give is Himself.

Good Gifts

So ask for Him. Seek Him. Knock on His door. You know the scripture:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11, NIV)

In the Aramaic and Hebrew traditions, it was very common to make a strong point by saying the same thing three different ways three times in a row.

Here we see Christ saying: "Ask. Seek. Knock."

He is serious about this. His point is that we need to be persistent. Keep asking. Keep seeking. Keep knocking.

I'm so excited about your story because you are where so many people need to be (and where I need to be, constantly) ... which is very aware of our need for God. Most of the time, the battle is just getting our hearts to the place where we say what you have already said above: "I want God to be my only desire..."

Really it's the Holy Spirit that has brought you to this place (He often does this through circumstances that we would not choose to put ourselves through.)

Good News!

Here's the good news: God is very ready to be found; He is everywhere to be found and He is very happy to be sought and discovered by you, and to reveal Himself to you.

So your journey starts with 1) prayer, prayer and more prayer. It continues by 2) seeking God in the stories and teachings of others who have sought hard after Him and found Him through the ages. Also remember to 3) surround yourself with other people who have the same goal and have walked the same path before you. 4) Find a godly mentor, preferably (according to Scripture) an older woman of God with whom you can share hearts, study, pray and seek wise counsel.

Remember the lesson of the smoker; there are many little parts of your life left empty because of your missing relationship... finding practical ways to fill these will be crucial to getting through this gracefully and successfully.

Keep asking, keep seeking and keep knocking,

-James


P.S.

I highly recommend this book as a study guide... a good place to start on your journey towards a closer walk with God.

When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight For Joy