Separated and Confused

by Lynn
(USA)

I am a Christian in my second marriage. I met this man in a Christian chat room, we fell in love, met and married.

After we married, He started drinking and the drinking got more and more often. Our marriage suffered, and he lost his job. We tried Church, Alcoholics Anonymous, therapy, and counseling through the pastors. Nothing seemed to work.

I tried to do all I new to help him. I was the one that lead him to the Lord. He got very angry and verbally abusive. I left him numerous times just to find myself back with him because of what the Bible says about divorce.

It got to the point that he was really scaring me and the abuse was getting worse, so I left him for good about a month ago. I am still in contact with him and today he wants to end our relationship.

I am in contact with him now because I want to encourage him and I am his wife. I told him that was okay and for him to move on with his life. I am bi-polar and codependent in relationships.

Will I ever find the right person, or does God want me single?

In the mean time I have met a friend on line. He is a member of the Church I go to and seems really nice. Am I sinning by being in contact with this new friend? Also, I cannot get a divorce till one year because that is the state law.

So what I am I to do? I need support going through this and my new friend seems very supportive, but how will I know if he is sincere or whether talking to him is wrong?

I need encouragement so bad right now because I had to move back home w/my parents. I have no job, no car, no money and I am very discouraged as to how I will support myself plus now deal with all this about the second marriage.

Please help me; I need advice as soon as you can. I feel like I may be headed for disaster and a breakdown. I have be hospitalized four times in the last four years because of the things I have been through in my marriages.

I strive to keep my focus on God and know that he is all that can sustain me but I still get discouraged. I am attending Church regularly and taking my medication for depression. What else can I do?

I just need for God to work a miracle in my life and lead me in the right direction. Thank you for your help in this matter. May God Bless you and your ministry.

Sincerely,

~Lynn~

P.S.

My first husband did porn on the net and was seeing a friend of mine from Church during the time we were married. I had a scriptural divorce. I am not sure if my Husband now has committed adultery, so that is another problem I need help with as well.

Wondering if I have a real scriptural reason to divorce him? Is the abuse grounds alone for a divorce? See why I am so confused? Please help me. Thank you in advance.

- Lynn





James' Answer: Seeking God's Presence

Lynn,

Thanks for sharing your story on this forum... your desire to do the right thing and please God is heartwarming, and I know He will honor that.

You see, God specializes in making sense and beauty out of the most hopeless and messy situations. Over and over again in the Bible, I read about terrible mistakes or illnesses or just plain tough situations that God was able to turn around for the ultimate good in the end.

His desire is to show Himself mighty in your life in a way that brings praise to the lips of anyone who hears your testimony in the future. Keep this in mind as you move forward... it will bring you the courage to roll out of bed in the morning and face another day of uncertainty, because you are certain of His love for you.

As far as doing the right thing and pleasing God... it is way too late for that. I don't just mean in your case, but in all of our cases, mine included. We have already made mistakes and are living with the consequences of those mistakes. If we are honest with ourselves, all of our situations are hopeless and none of us can earn God's love, approval or attention.

That's what is so amazing about the hope we have in Jesus Christ. While we were still sinners, He paid the price to cover our sins. When we were hopeless, He gave us a reason to go on hoping and living and loving.

Please note: As a Christian Life Coach I am not able to provide any mental health services in this post or at any other time. Please see the Coaching Agreement for details about my services. I recommend that you find a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) to work with you on this... they are trained to help you address the types of questions that you are facing. If you can find a Christian LMFT, so much the better!

That said, here are some things that you may want to consider...

You were right when you wrote about needing support. You do need support from the right person or group. As I just mentioned above, I strongly recommend that you find a qualified licensed mental health professional in your area and work with them on the areas that you pointed out above, especially the depression, bi-polar and codependency areas and questions of divorce. They can act as support and encouragement, and also help you identify and strengthen a support network of helpful, encouraging people to get you through this rough spot in life.

I cannot tell you whether to begin a romantic relationship right now or not. That must be your choice.

When making that choice, consider your current situation. Some of the highest predictors of failed relationship are a history of divorce and present mental illness. Is starting up a new relationship with all of the unresolved issues you mentioned really fair to the other person? Are you coming into this relationship with the tools and resources to make it successful, or are you setting yourself (and the other person) up for failure and disappointment once again?

There is really only one relationship we can have that can be completely off-balance and unfair and still survive. That is our relationship with God. He can handle anything we throw at him. Other humans usually can't do this for us. When we bring our mess and confusion before God, He can bring us peace and healing. When we bring our mess and confusion to a romantic relationship, it only creates more mess and confusion.

Man after man has failed you in the past... will another man make it all right? Here is what I come back to whenever I am seeking my own answers and solutions: God tells me to stop chasing after what I want and seek Him, and His righteousness, because He is really what I need in that moment.

Matthew 6:33 is the specific reference I am thinking of:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Click on the link to take you to the scripture in several translations, and follow the cross references with a prayer on your heart if you need a place to start seeking Him...

If you address your spiritual/mental health first, then you will have the strength, clarity and courage to make wise decisions about other aspects of life, like finding work, improving your living situation and starting new romantic relationships. First things first.

Blessings on your journey,

-James