Reconsidering Engagement

by Nikki
(New Jersey)

I am a 20 year old female, I am also a Christian. I have been saved since the age of 12, however I am currently engaged to a guy who is 18 years old and also a Christian. When we met we fell in love instantly.

Because we had such a strong connection, we understood each other, we could share things with each other that we could not share with anyone else, and in spite of the age difference we had so much in common.

He was only 17 when we met but he was also very spiritually mature which was very attractive to me. I have never dated a guy who loved God as much as I did, and he eventually became an inspiration in which he helped encourage my walk and strengthen my relationship with Christ.

We been together for a year and it just seems like we were destined for each other, so we recently got engaged.

The problem is... although he is mature spiritually he is still immature in many ways. He does not like to work, and he does not focus enough on real issues, such as providing for us as one when we are married.

I'm just worried that this will end and he will never be mature enough to take care of me and be the head of our household. He wants to get married next year, but I really don't think he is ready and I don't think he understands the responsibility of being a husband.

I know it bothers him too that he can't offer me much but I feel he wants to rush to get married because he is afraid of losing me. I love him so much, but I don't want to marry him this way. I'm afraid our relationship will fall apart if he doesn't grow up.

Should I end it now and call off the engagement before its too late?


James' Answer: Wait upon the Lord

Hi Nikki,

I understand how torn you must be... there is the pressure of engagement, plus the fact that this man has qualities that you admire and seems to understand you in ways that others have not.

It does sound like you really love one another, but the questions you are raising are perfectly valid ones to consider...

>>>On the one hand, God promises over and over again in scripture that He will provide for His children; we need to trust Him and not worry about the future.

>>>On the other hand, there are many scriptures that speak against laziness, "slothfulness" and being dependent upon others when we don't need to be.

As a woman of God, you need to trust the good judgment and discerning spirit that the Lord has placed within you. Also, rely on Godly counsel from someone who is close to the Lord, older and more spiritually mature than you.

An unwillingness to work and be a provider shows a lack of spiritual maturity, no matter how "mature" spiritually your fiance seems in other areas of his spiritual life. It is possible to have great understanding and insight in one area, and to be deficient in others.

Here is what I would recommend:

- If God has marriage in store for the two of you and you love one another and are committed to marrying one another some time in the future, then think twice before rushing into marriage now. This is a huge lifelong commitment, and you most likely have plenty of time to prepare yourselves.

- Ask yourself this question: If he has some growing and maturing to do, are you willing to wait for that to happen? For how long?

- Meet with your pastor or another respected older Christian to counsel you both together about this and other pre-marriage topics.

- Read this webpage for more ideas of things to cover in counseling or with a mentor couple.

- Have a very frank (honest, open) conversation with your fiance about your concerns. Try not to get emotional or antagonistic; be mature and realistic. If he does any of the following, you need to seriously reconsider his readiness to be a husband:

>>Turns the discussion into an argument/fight.

>>Shuts down (stonewalling) refusing to talk about it.

>>Changes the topic of conversation to your faults and starts attacking some aspect of your character.

>>Responds with contempt (eye-rolling, etc. or belittling yourself, your input or your comments).

>>Defends himself by making excuses, whining or not addressing your questions/comments directly.

- Together with a counselor/mentoring couple/pastor, set some benchmarks for his performance and attitudes toward being a responsible husband. (Set some benchmarks and growth-goals for yourself, too... If you are going to be married, you need to learn how to work as a team and collaborate.)

- Keep yourselves sexually pure. If this is too difficult, you either need to marry him and work through all these things as a couple or stay far away from him (this is taking "the way of escape" in the face of temptation).




Remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure... if you decide to move ahead with the wedding, find a counselor, pastor or Christian mentor couple and work with them - together with your fiance - before marriage. This will save you and your fiance lots of heartache in the coming years. His willingness to do this with you now will be a demonstration of his love and commitment to you.

Prayers,

-James