Over-thinking, Over-reacting

by Shana
(New York, NY, USA)

Growing up with no control over the things in my life that other kids took for granted made me feel like an outsider. Years marked by various forms of abuse- the most damaging being the emotional abuse and neglect- left me feeling powerless and very,very ANGRY. Throughout my growing years my emotion varied between apathy,self-pity and rage.

I never questioned the existence of God. Rather, I was so used to trying to not feel anything that I was out of touch with God's constant presence in my life. I internalized every negative comment I received during the years of teasing I endured in my school days- even in college by the way. I internalized the barrage of put-downs and character attacks by the family of my parents. My value as a child of anyone- even God was never internalized.

Over the years my ANGER manifested itself in temper tantrums, hitting, self-destructive eating,drinking and drug use and then a total lack of empathy because I was shown none. My anger had made me lose my identity as a spiritual being and for a while I woke up and went to be angry-every day without fail. I equated my anger with power. I was never allowed an outlet for my abuse other than anger so feeling angry was my way of taking CONTROL of the situations I was in. Anger is THE toxic emotion and contrary to God's plan for my life. I see that now.

I manage my anger through recitation of scriptures dealing with anger- I believe that my toxic anger is plainly contrary to the Word. "In your anger, do not sin."- is my favorite scripture. My anger used to rule over me. I lived in the flesh and not in the Spirit and that lead to a lot of spiritually damaging behaviors on my part. But, according to the Word, I am a new person and "old things have passed away". This is because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and have chosen to follow God.

Walking in the Spirit and LIVING His Words have freed me from my destructive anger. I Praise Him and His plan for my life!