Not Meant for Each Other?

by Tash
(Australia)

My situation is a little complicated...
I am currently 25 and my husband is 29... We are both Christians; I have been so for only Four years and he was brought up in the church and has been a Christian for about 15 years...

We dated for six months before getting engaged and we got married at nine months... we have been married for almost 1 year.

We were good friends at first... we ran the church cafe together and everyone including his family thought we were great together, I lost my job and couldn't afford to live at my house (I was renting with friends) and as his family liked me and their daughter was a good friend of mine they offered me a room at their home till I could get back on my feet...

Well we started dating (mind you we both only saw each other as friends and I liked his friend)... and no-one was surprised, his parents were happy and we both thought that we were meant to be together... (we at this point didn't really know ourselves well and were "people pleasers")

So six months went by and I was still living with them, and although we both knew sub-consciously that we weren't compatible, we got engaged... Then we were both offered a great job managing a guesthouse but as it was an hour away we would have to move up to this location and his parents suggested that we get married.

We were together for 9 months and had planned the wedding for the next year. So being naive and foolish we agreed to the wedding... the planning went ahead and four weeks later we were living at the guesthouse and had gotten married!

Four months later the job fell through and we moved into my dad's other property. For the past six months through the revelation of God, by prayer and fasting we have realized that this relationship is coming to a sore end.

We both love each other as friends and that is it, we get on so well yet fight when it comes to life/relationship/romance stuff... we are sooo incompatible and are opposites in every way and not in a complimentary way.

We both feel like we are on different life paths and want so badly to bring glory to the Lord's name with our lives, but feel we can't do this together...

To add to this, his parents got married when they found out they were pregnant... and my parents are incompatible as well... we fasted to break the generational curses that we feel has lead us to this situation.

We have read what the Bible says about divorce and although we don't want to sin by divorcing, we feel that living under 'law' just to keep the church, his family and everyone else happy whilst we suffer is not how God planned for us to live...

Please help, however you can.

Regards,

Natasha

James' Answer: Successful Relationships

I can hear the suffering in your words, Natasha. Thanks for having the courage to share this with those outside your circle. I think that a lot of people could benefit from the lesson in your situation.

You see, our culture operates on a strange assumption that there is some pre-set compatibility formula that successful relationships always follow.

People go from one relationship to another looking for the "right" one to come along so that they can live happily ever after.

Sadly, a huge number of people are running their relationships based on this false premise.

The fairytale story of two people being just "meant for each other" and going through life without relationship problems is just that... a fairy tale.

Find some real-life successful relationships where the couple stays together happily, and ask them how they do it.

I can guarantee you that it does not just "happen."

Successful relationships take a lot of work.

Love is not a feeling... it is a daily decision that is backed up by actions.

At first love is connected to a lot of wonderful warm-fuzzy feelings, but when those feelings wear off (which they always do, according to the research) the decision to continue in love and the actions that follow are the only way to bring those good feelings back and keep them in the relationship.

The problem is, we go like this:

"I feel loving toward you, so I will work on our relationship."

When we really need to go like this:

"I love you by working on our relationship and by the way, as a direct result of working on this together, I feel very loving toward you and loved by you."

You see, love is not something that we fall into and out of... it is a decision that we make.

Oh wait. About the compatibility thing... the Bible actually does say that we need to consider compatibility when choosing a marriage partner...

It says that we as Christians should only choose to join our lives with another follower of Christ.

That is as far as God's compatibility requirements go. The rest is just our made-up excuses for not putting in the hard work that successful relationships require.

Some couples have less conflict than others, some agree about more life-issues than others. The types of marriage relationships are as varied as the types of people in them.

But successful relationships all have something in common... both people are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship succeed because they care so much about it.

Natasha, from your question it sounds like you want me to give you the "go ahead" to divorce your husband.

I am not going to tell you that you need to stay with him or that you need to divorce him. That is not my job, my place or my decision. It is yours.

If you do end your marriage, it will only be perpetuating the generational curse that goes like this...

"I can't get along with my spouse no matter what I do because we are not 'right' for each other."

That is the real lie/curse that is being passed down from one generation to another.

Again, I will not tell you what decision to make.

If you decide to salvage your relationship for the glory of God, here are a few things that would really help:



- Stop making excuses about why you two aren't compatible, and start noticing the things you appreciate about one another.

- Get the "Five Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman, and read it together... also take the love languages quiz online.

- Then, go to a marriage counselor together - ask and make sure they are familiar with "systems theory" - stick with it for at least 10 sessions.



That's if you want to have a successful relationship.

Or, you could do nothing and be miserable.

Or, end this relationship and start another one (which will probably end in just as much misery statistically; second marriages are twice as likely as first marriages to fail, decreasing your chances of finding the "right" person even more).

One of the reasons that second marriages are even more likely to fail is because people just carry their faulty assumptions and fairy tales from one relationship to the next... plus they have practice breaking it off.

I hope this is helpful...

Please know that I (and God) only want the best for you in your life and relationships.

-James

P.S.
Do you really think that God would give you a "revelation" that contradicts what He says in scripture?