My Healing: Anger to Rest

by Roger
(New Mexico)

Your offer to tell my anger story, caught my eye. I have experienced great victory in this area! I knew I had anger issues, because that's how our family always did it. Something hits us wrong, we get mad and explosive, complain, blame, grouse, fume.... If you're reading this, you know the routine. People said things like, "Well, at least I know where I stand with you," or "you say it like it is." And when I got inappropriately demonstrative with my anger, I justified it by blaming something or someone else. The pattern of ranting on and on... going over and over the oughts, began to permeate my life as well.

All this was pretty much just who I was until kids came along. Something about being a parent and influencing children caused me to want to deal with core issues that spawn anger, caused me to take a closer look at who I was and how anger was woven throughout my life.

The recognizing of my anger, and realization that it's hurtful to my relationships and personal well-being, was a long process. Angry feelings and outbursts usually were attached to an expectation, a plan, a sense of entitlement...and whenever something interfered with that, I got angry and lashed out. Since this is the constant of the human experience, I had LOTS of opportunities to be angry. And mostly I just went around feeling mad that so many people in my world just couldn't get it right. It took a lot of tenacity to simply notice how big a problem my anger was. I tried to control it, and I was often discouraged whenever it popped up... again. I seemed to be unable to manage myself in a decent, responsible manner.

Enter... Theology. Although I had been a Christian for many years, somewhere along the line, I began to think about God differently. I began to understand WHO HE IS, and who I am, and how much that changes things. He is always present. He knows every detail about the things that are upsetting to me. HE decides what I'm entitled to, and He is never wrong, off timing, or in any way mistaken. His purposes are always accomplished. I won't be delayed or held back from anything He has planned for me. Even by the inept or hurtful people around me. I will lack NO good thing at His hand. He is able, if I am willing to trust Him. All the things that feel bad or hard to me, will work together for my good and His glory. Ping! I made the connection: when I'm feeling angry, something I believe about God is off base...twisted or doubted.

I eventually got it down to two absolutes I can always count on in ANY situation, ALL the time, WITHOUT FAIL:

1- I can know Him and His presence
2- I am known by Him

Outside of these two things, I have no rights or entitlements or plans. And from the solid foundation of these two unchangeable facts, I will do/have all the fulness of heart God has planned for me. People, institutions, programs, great and small...will fail me. But I will always have these two things available. When my heart is fixed on these two things, anger goes away. When I stray from them, anger will be my default mode. As I grow in the assurance of what it means to know God and be known by Him, I am able to settle, rest, wait, believe, hope...and live in the fullness of Christ.

I am wrestling and striving to enter into the rest that comes when my heart is fixed on Him in these things. I have known victory like no other time in my life. Christ is bringing healing and wholeness to my angry heart. He is removing my angry spirit, and giving me a heart of rest. The work is not finished, but I have tasted the goodness, and my life will never be the same!