Is love All that Really Matters?...

by Anneke
(New Zealand)

My boyfriend (25) and me (19) have been together now for 9 months. We met at church since his dad is the pastor at our church and my dad works closely with him. So I figured he must have a good relationship with God.

Only after allowing myself to fall totally head over heels in love with him did I realize how far away he is from God. He has picked up a lot of baggage about religion and the way he sees God...

He believes that a god exists, but he can't see how there can only be ONE God... I thought I could help him find his way and make him see God in a new light.. But I guess I can't do that for him, only God can..

Nonetheless, I really really love him and I've become extremely attached to him. We've reached the point in our relationship were the butterflies start to fade and the relationship gets a lot deeper. I'm starting to want a man who can grow with me and lead me spiritually.

Often when we're at church I find myself unable to focus on God as I feel self-conscious with him next to me. I've just been praying for him the whole time and I must say I've seen some kind of progress.

He's at least admitted to the fact that he has built a resentment towards God and Christianity, and once at my cell group (which I friendly-forced him to join.. haha) he asked for us to pray for him (for some stupid excuse - his cold or something, while I knew it was something deeper) and he burst out in tears.

But also I feel that even though I'm just 19 and he's already 25, I'm intellectually more advanced than him and somewhat more grown-up than him.... I never use it to overpower him or anything, but because of this we have great difficulty with real communication.

Both of us tend to avoid deep conversations (be it of religion, the way we see life or whatever!). I avoid deep conversation because I feel that sometimes he just doesn't get what I'm saying or he'll give a very shallow response.

I find that he often avoids these interactions as he feels inferior to me and feels that I'll laugh him off or think he's just trying to be smart...

Sometimes when I disagree with him on a subject he'll get extremely agitated, and feel like I'm "purposefully disagreeing to everything he says.." This has caused a few BIG fights and have almost caused us to break up...

Also he has only now started getting his life sorted by studying IT (hardware). I look around me and see guys younger than him who already know what they want in life, already have a good job, and can actually converse intellectually with my parents (something my boyfriend finds really difficult).

I know that all of these things are important, but could our love be strong enough to conquer them?

James' Response: Making Matches

Anneke,

I am no matchmaker; I leave that up to my clients. And, I never tell people whether they should stay together or separate... that is each person's individual decision, and one that you need to be very sure of before you make it... fully convinced in your own mind one way or another.

That said, I can describe successful relationships as I have seen them and experienced them... the things that make couples happy or unhappy with their significant other.

Generally, it is not necessary for two people to have everything in common in order to get along and have a successful relationship. However, It is VERY important that two people have a deep and abiding respect for one another in critical areas.

This respect and general "feeling of goodwill" needs to be strong enough to override the everyday annoyances and arguments that always come up in a relationship. If you respect and love the other person's core values... who you see them as being at their deepest, most personal level, then the other things will matter less.

For example... if you highly value a certain quality in people, such as spirituality, it is important that your significant other shares that value. Even if every other little thing matches up in your value-systems, there will be a big "hole" - something missing that will breed disrespect or contempt for the other person. You will always be looking around at other people who share that deep value with you, and get frustrated with your significant other who can't understand that very special part of who you are.

If, however, spirituality was not such a big deal to you... but you really wanted someone who loved to cook with you and spend every available weekend exploring outdoors (just examples) then the other person's lack of spirituality would not be such a big deal.

Here is another thing to look out for... a huge predictor of relationship failure is contempt (an abiding sense of disrespect). Whether it is just one person or both who have feelings of contempt, it destroys relationships over time.

Two other predictors of relationship failure are criticism and defensiveness... they usually go together in a cycle where one partner is critical and the other gets defensive, and vice-versa, around and around in circles without any meaningful problem-solving or communication.

If you see patterns of contempt, criticism and defensiveness in your relationship already, and you both really want the relationship to work out in the long run... it may be time to get some pre-marital counseling from a professional therapist or counseling pastor in your area (preferably one who has no emotional stake or involvement in your relationship like your fathers do).

It is important to examine our own hearts when we enter into a relationship with another person, especially important relationships like the one you're describing here.

What are our motivations?

What are we looking for in the other person?

What needs to they fulfill in us?

What needs to we fulfill in them?

What do we bring to the relationship?

What do they bring to the relationship?

Do they deeply and truly respect us, despite our faults?

Do we deeply and truly respect them, despite their faults?

Do our most important values align with their most important values?

Thinking of all the most joyful and terrible things that can happen in our lifetime... does this person have the qualities of someone we would want by our side through everything?

I hope these questions are helpful as you walk out your journey in faith, seeking the Lord's will in everything you do.

Feel free to continue the conversation in the comments if you like,

- James
www.Christian-Life-Coaching.org