Is He the One??

by Tracy
(UK)

Hello, my name is Tracy. While in university I had an unholy relationship with a non-Christian, and as expected he cheated on me and I got very angry. Instead of leaving him, we became good friends and my feelings for him grew deeper. I felt at the time God wanted me to get out of the relationship but I was so far deep in love with him that I found it so hard to let go.

We carried on seeing each other but it was a bad relationship. I didn't want anyone knowing we were together because I was ashamed of myself and the fact that I couldn't let go. I knew he was seeing other people and that just got me angrier.

Eventually I started taking out my anger on him and we argued all the time. I never once let him know how in love I was with him because I didn't see the point. After all, he wasn't a Christian and I felt God wanted me to get out of the relationship.

While all this was happening he was also dating another girl which made the situation worse. However I didn’t let him know how I was feeling... that I knew he was seeing any body else or about my Christian views.

So when I left university I felt free at last, even though he never escaped my thoughts. I felt a bit better knowing I didn't have to see him everyday. So we eventually lost contact.

A while ago some old university friends told me that the guy I had fallen in love with was now a serious Christian, and was now in a serious relationship with another girl, the girl he cheated on me with. I feel so defeated and angry. All I keep thinking now is why me? Why did he have to become a Christian while he wasn't with me?

Then a while after that one of my good friends told me that he had been speaking bad about me to other people saying I was rude, confused and so on. So I then got the courage to let him know how I felt about him, and why I acted the way I did. So to cut a long story short we sorted out our differences and moved on from the past.

I am happy that we are cool now, but I still can't stop thinking about him...its taking over my happiness, I try to make myself very busy but as soon as I’m bored I just want to go to bed so that I can stop thinking about him.

I know everything happens according to God's will but I don't know what to do now. What beats me up is the fact that he could be the one and now the opportunity is gone.

Should I still be his friend in the hope that if he breaks up with her (not that I wish that on him) we could get back together? I really need advice. I talk to God everyday and He has helped me all the way...but I am still really confused.

Thank you.

-Tracy

James' Answer: Removing Idols from our Hearts

Hi Tracy,

I can't tell you whether to pursue a certain relationship or not... that is always your decision to make. However, I can help to organize some of the feelings and observations that you have had regarding this situation... this should help you to see what is going on from a neutral third-person perspective, allowing you to make a clearer decision.

I don't know you, and I don't know your former boyfriend. I cannot tell your passion for the Lord without getting to know you more. However, several things stuck out to me as I read your story above.

First let me say that I understand your hesitance to share your faith with him, and your deep longing and desire for someone to be close to. We all need that and want it deep down, whether or not we admit it.

You mentioned that you felt ashamed of yourself and the fact that you could not let him go during your relationship in the past. Also, it seems as if you did not share your faith with this man back then, and he probably did not know you as a Christian then either, based on his claims about you to other people.

Any time we as Christians feel ashamed of something we are doing, that is a warning to us. It is a good time to stop and reconsider what we are doing. Is it in line with our values? Are we being true to who God has created us to be?

Also, if the people around us cannot tell that we are different - followers of Christ - that is a warning signal that we are not living the lives that God wants us to. He says that we will stick out because of our love for others (not storybook "fall-in-love" - type love, but true, deep, lay-down-your-life-for-your-friend love).

It sounds as if this man has become bigger than God in your life. The time that you spend thinking about him, wondering if things could have been different, etc. is tearing you up... I can tell from your words.

The reason this feels so bad is not because you missed out on this man, but because you are missing out on the One who really loves you eternally and unconditionally. You long for a real, deep, lasting connection, but the place to find that is first with God. Once you are secure and solid in Him, God will provide for your every need.

This is a good time to remember the definition of what an idol is. An idol is anything in our lives that we make bigger than God. This can be a person, an activity, an object (money is a common one) or even the idea of a person that we have in our head.

Idols can even be good things like saints or our church or some good work we are trying to do. If it takes up more space in our lives/minds than God, it is an idol.

God hates idolatry... it takes up three of the Ten Commandments. He wants to be first in our lives... we see it all throughout the Bible.

When the ancient civilizations would get in trouble with idols, the only remedy was to get the idols out of the land and replace them with the true worship of God.

I can tell that this broken relationship is causing you a lot of pain. If you think that this man has become an idol in your life, you can make the decision to do the same as God's ancient people did with their idols. You can have a symbolic removal of "idols" from your life... removing anything that has to do with them and breaking off contact for good.

But remember to replace them with the true worship of God otherwise they will be back or another idol will take their place. Also, if you keep an idol around as a "friend" just in case things change, that can only lead to trouble. God did not want the ancient idols moved down to the basement... He wanted them out of the land forever.

- -

Whether or not this man has become an idol in your life, here are a couple of areas for you to grow in trust... we can all use a reminder to trust in these areas.

- Trust that God will provide for your relationship needs.

- Trust that God is not holding out on you... that He knows what is good for you better than you do. (See Romans 8:28)

- Trust that this man, if he is really a Christian now, is being guided by the Holy Spirit and is making the right decision... and if he is not making the right decision, it is God's job to set him straight and not yours.

- Trust that God had something for you to learn in the relationship - God does not waste anything in our lives - and that the lesson He had for you may have been more important than the relationship itself.

Blessings Tracy as you walk out this journey,

-James