How to start?

by Godwin
(Russia)

There is this girl I really like; We don't attend the same church, but we met at an inter-church prayer meeting that we have in my city every week.
She really has a heart for God and she has so many great qualities.

I really like her and I'd like to date her and see how it goes. The Lord revealed to me recently that he's ready to move me to the next level in my calling. My calling involves lots of popularity and fame and in as much as I trust God to keep me, I want to end up with someone who knows and believes in me when God is still moulding me into shape rather than when I seem to have "arrived."

One of the problems we might be having is that we're from different cultures and I'm trying my best to understand how everything functions in her culture. She is Russian and I am African. I'm studying in Russia and I speak Russian well enough for communication and she is also learning English. How much effect do you think all this will have on a potential relationship?


Another problem I'm having is that I used to go out with girls before I got saved and most of the things I know about starting a relationship are based on the world's standards. Since giving my life to Christ (3 years ago) I have not been in a relationship.

We have gone out on a stroll already and I had a nice time with her. Since God has not yet said clearly that she is the one for me, I just want to be in a relationship with her where she knows that the success of it will depend on our compatibility and a go-ahead signal from God.

In this situation, how do I make my intentions known to her without making it sound so serious? How do I make her understand that I just want to know her better and also use the time to seek God's face while she will be doing the same too?

The truth is that I don't know how Christian relationships are started. Aside from the complete absence of physical relations, I also don't know how far is too far in terms of emotional commitments.

I really like this girl but I don't want to leave her shattered if we start the relationship and somewhere in the middle we have to split.
That said though, I think the girl is the most wonderful girl I've ever met.

James' Response: ""

Godwin,

First, blessings as you follow this new direction in your life. Not many people can handle publicity and fame very well; without it detracting from their relationship with the Lord. However, I know that God will not call you to do something without equipping you for the task, and showing you the way of escape when any temptations arise.

Having a significant other by your side who is willing and able to stick with you through the ups and downs of such a ministry is very important. It is going to take a special person to do this, and she should know up front what she is getting herself into.

If you ask the Lord for directions in finding such a person, I know that He will guide your heart and decisions accordingly. Remember that even low-key, low-profile marriages between people who seem very compatible can take a whole lot of work and effort to be truly successful. Yours will take that plus more.

So, be ready and prepare yourselves by continually seeking counsel from godly mentoring couples, pastors and Christian counselors... both before and after the wedding. (It is surprising how many relationship difficulties could be prevented through pre-marital counseling!)

That said, I will try to answer your questions as best I can. I also would appreciate comments from others who have Godly counsel to add:

First question: "How will language and cultural differences affect my relationship?"

This depends less on the degree of difference between the two of you, and more on your individual (and paired) abilities to cope with change and appreciate new things. I don't know your personality types, but the more that each of you is able to embrace another culture as an adventure of discovery, then the better you will cope with the differences as a couple.

When it comes to language, the main thing is that you will be able to communicate clearly with each other. Good communication does not equal zero conflict, but it does help you to avoid misunderstandings (which occur in people of the same culture and language all the time).

Language will not be too much of a barrier if you both can maintain a trust in one another's basic intentions and goodwill, and if you have a mutual desire to understand fully and to be understood. Love is the greatest language known to human beings, transcending culture, language, distance and time.

Second Question: "...how do I make my intentions known to her without making it sound so serious?"

Godwin, in this and every situation, a woman deserves to know where she stands with you. I have made this mistake in the past, so I am speaking, unfortunately, from experience. You owe it to her to not lead her on in thinking you are interested, dropping her when you get bored or find someone else.

Lasting loving relationships require openness and vulnerability on both parts. Explain to her what you explained in your post; that you have not done this type of relationship before and that you want to do it right. If she is a woman of God, she will respect that, and you for saying it.

Don't worry; you can still say that with confidence and strength. It is not a weak thing to admit an area in our lives that needs to grow... in fact, it takes great strength to do so. If she cannot see that, then you do not want a serious relationship with her anyway.

Third Question: "How do I begin a Christian romantic relationship?"

Godwin, you were right about staying away from physicality in your new relationship. Nothing will steal your newfound joy and purity in Christ than going down that road.

When it comes to the emotions, how involved is too involved? How close can we get emotionally without negative consequences?

I encourage you to think about it like this: Imagine your future wife out there in the world somewhere. She is living life and looking for someone to share it with. She finds five other men interesting before she discovers you. How involved would you want her to be with those other men? How emotionally connected would you want her to get before committing to you for the rest of her life?

If we could, we would guard the hearts of our future spouses to keep them from heartbreak and pain. We can't do that though, because they are their own people. However, we can do two things: guard our own hearts and the hearts of those we are interested in.

The Bible tells us to treat older women as our mothers and younger women as our sisters (read Apostle Paul's letters to Timothy). Of course we would guard our sisters hearts... so why not our sisters in Christ? We would not want them to get too attached to some guy who is just looking around, so why would we do that to someone else?

Here are some good ways to avoid inappropriate emotional involvement before marriage:

Don't spend time alone together. I know, the world thinks this kind of standard is crazy... but it is effective. We can still get to know someone well in a group setting. If there is a conversation that you cannot have around other people, then reconsider whether you should be having it at all.

Be sure that you are ready to commit and take the relationship to the next level (engagement with the intention of marriage) before you make any declaration of love or devotion (or any actions that could be interpreted as such).

To get to know her better, spend time with her (with others present) doing things that point you both toward God. You can learn a lot about a person by hearing them discuss scripture in a Bible study setting, or working along side them serving someone else in need. Find activities that take the focus of of yourselves and places it on God or "one of the least of these, my brothers" as Christ said about helping those in need.

Some people will think that spending a lot of time alone together (and maybe having sex) is the only way to find out whether you want to marry someone or not. In truth, this is not a good way to find out.

In America, people are free to begin their relationships however they want, yet over half of them end in divorce and many of those that don't divorce are unhappily married. Starting off with Godly principles instead of our own desires leads to much better results.

Here are a couple of books by authors I respect which discuss this subject in much more detail:

Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship

and...

When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Approach to Guy/Girl Relationships

Blessings on your journey,

-James