He Likes Me, I Like Him Not

by Nicky
(Columbus)

I am 26 years old. I do not have a lot of people to turn to when it comes to relationship advice. Frankly, I feel like the responses I get from most Christians are way too redundant and religious... "Keep waiting, the right guy will come around."

I have been in a lot of broken relationships. I was molested in my early adolescent years and now family dysfunction surrounds me. I moved away from home about several years ago to attend Bible college, and later on to work in full time ministry. I am hundreds of miles away from home. Bitter sweet... away from the drama, but I still miss my family.

A few years ago, I was reacquainted with an old friend from church. This is the guy that I have known since I was 12. He lives back home. and he has expressed interest in me. He is a great guy... saved, smart, educated... and called to ministry. We have a lot in common -- and he has expressed how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My parents and his parents think its a wonderful thing.

The problem? I'm not attracted to him. I see him as a friend, and anything more sickens me to the core.

In a lot of ways I see him as immature and not able to relate to my problems. Maybe I am too proud and have placed unrealistic expectations... or maybe these feelings merit some thought.

He asked me out almost a year ago, and I have been giving him one excuse after the other. Either my past hurts, my current family dysfunction, or my work/position in ministry keeps me too busy to pursue this long-distance relationship with him. I haven't completely told him off -- because (1) I'm not sure I want to... and (2) I don't really know how to do it in a nice way.

I feel horrible -- In some respects, I feel like I have been playing him. and I do not want to do that. I am just not ready to move forward.
That is an excuse he does not want to accept. He just wants me to give him a shot. And I do not really want to go there...

Bottom line... He likes me. I like him as a friend, nothing more.
I have no emotions or feelings for him. There is no physical attraction. I feel like he is a dork. I hate even more admitting to this, but he is intellectually, socially, and emotionally... very awkward.

What should I do?
Tell him to move on?
Give in and try out a relationship?
Keep waiting it out until....?

-Nicky


James' Answer: Follow the Spirit

Nicky,

Thanks for sharing your story with us! Here is my encouragement for you...

If you are walking close to God, and your relationship with Him is your main focus and source of fulfillment, you can trust what the Holy Spirit is telling you about your relationship status. If God has placed the desire to be married in your heart, then He will also provide a way to make that happen. God does not send mixed signals. However, we sometimes let our fleshly desires obstruct our ability to hear that "still small voice" from God.

Another point... if you are walking close to God, seeking Him and His will with your whole heart, you can trust what the Holy Spirit is telling you about another person. If the man that you wrote about leaves you with a negative feeling in your spirit... listen to that feeling! I always warn people against getting married just for the sake of being married. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and a WHOLE LOT of work, even for the most compatible couples. If you have a bad feeling about the relationship (no attraction, no positive feelings) then don't go there! God could make it work (He can and does work miracles in relationships all the time) but he also gives you good sense and the guidance of the Holy Spirit for a reason. Once you are committed to someone, there is no turning back... so make your best choice now.

So it probably sounds like I'm going to tell you to wait, like everyone else. Well, you really need to listen to God for the timing of any big decision. If you are truly being called to marriage, start looking for a suitable mate! Of course, women would prefer to be discovered and pursued and wooed and romanced... and that is the way male/female relationships were designed to work. However, there is nothing in the Bible that prevents you, as a woman, from going out and looking for a suitable mate. Especially if you are called by God to be married.

When it comes to looking for a godly Christian man, you've got to look in the right places. You probably won't find him in a bar. Really, I will leave the searching up to you and the Holy Spirit. But believe me, once you find him, you WILL know that he is the one. And, it WILL work out between you because God is the One Who provided for you and made it happen.

On a side note... Technology has made travel and communication over long distances much more practical than it was even 20 years ago. This just means that you shouldn't limit your pool of potential mates (as long as you follow Biblical standards of godliness and purity). Do not set limits on what God can do for your life. Do not set limits on the ways that He can provide for you. The whole world (and a whole lot of very eligible, strong men of God) are out there waiting for discovery.

Blessings on your journey,


-James