He Has Lots of Female Friends

by Anonymous
(New Jersey)

I have been dating a born again Evangelical Christian man (I am Catholic), for 2 years. He has many friends that are women that he goes to church with, and then out to dinner with afterward.

Sometimes there are more than one, and sometimes it is him and just one other of these girls. They are needy women with drinking, relationship and family problems... and they lean on him for lots of tasks, and, well, just neediness. They all have boyfriends that come and go, and ex husbands, and none have custody of their own children.

It really bothers me when they call for this or that, and for rides to church (one doesn't have her car), and I feel that after 2 years he should wean them off of calling on him our of their neediness.

He calls them his "Christian sisters", and they all talk big about Jesus, but do not live a Christian lifestyle. They even drank alcohol before going to Church once while he was with them (he didn't drink).

He also has an ex girlfriend that lives in another state. She is married, but has kept in touch with my boyfriend for many years through email and occasional phone calls. He asked for a picture, so she just sent him one that he keeps on his phone.

Now, I think a man should only keep a girlfriend's picture on his phone... not an ex that he says is his "friend". I don't know if this ex is Christian or not.

But my questions are... is this proper behavior for someone who says they are a born-again Christian? Why do I feel bad when they call?

I feel that girls should have their girl friends to turn to, and not another woman's boyfriend, but he thinks I am being ridiculous, and that we all are supposed to help each other. I feel terrible... is this wrong of me? I think values should be different than this in a relationship.

-Anonymous


James' Answer: Heart of the Issue

Dear Anonymous,

I do not know the heart of the man you have been dating. There are a lot of questions that I would ask him if I could. This is not really about you and him... it is about you and God.

Listen to what your heart is telling you. When we are close to God, the Holy Spirit gives us good instructions about what is good and what we should stay away from. Right now you need to ask yourself... "What is God telling me about this relationship?"

You see the lifestyle of this man first hand... so you can make a better evaluation than me of his character and actions.

If you are looking for someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life... just look for the "Fruits of the Spirit"... These are listed in contrast to the "works of the flesh" (sin) in St. Paul's letter to the Galatian church... Galatians chapter 5 in the New Testament.

If the Fruits of the Spirit are present in every area of his life, you have found a man who is truly a Christian (and a good catch!) If you see the "deeds of the flesh" scattered about in his life, you should question his claim to be a follower of God.

We should never allow our desires to be loved and in a romantic relationship to cloud our better discernment. Ignoring what the Holy Spirit is telling us will only lead to heartache.

Blessings,

-James