Dating a Christian with children?

by Joshua
(Arvada)

I am 20 years old, and I am madly in love with a woman who had mistakenly had children in a previous relationship. She has two beautiful twin babies who are two years in age.

First off I am still very young but her and I have a bond unlike any other... regardless of her having children. She loves me dearly and we have discussed getting married and spending our lives together.

I am just so lost lately.

We live in different states and I only see her twice a month. She wants to get married and I love that she wants too be with me and I want to be with her.

But my mind keeps wandering.

I have no kids myself, I have a bright future through my work and I just don't want to settle, but then again I am, cause she is everything I want and more.

But the kids... I just don't know. I am so young and I know there other women out there but right now I don't want any others. I feel like a horrible person because if I ultimately end up wanting to split with her it will devastate her, and her family.

The kids are still very young but I don't want to hurt them... and to top it off her father died the weekend I was going to discuss these issues with her so I am attempting to wait until she is emotionally ready to take on yet another shocking blow.

I WANT to be with her. I really do. I just need some advice. I have been trying to look toward God but I can't find the answers.

I need something immediately.


James' Response: Being a Man

Joshua,

Thanks for being so honest with your feelings and thoughts about the future... you do have a serious decision before you that will have a lasting affect on multiple people. It's good to see that you are already taking the feelings and needs of others into consideration; that shows the beginnings of the real maturity required of successful husbands and fathers!

Based on what God says about relationships, there are three questions that you can ask yourself when making this decision:

1. Am I ready to be a husband?

Includes committing to this woman "till death do us part" which means not looking for other women, not thinking lustfully about or looking at other women, not wishing for someone who is different or "better" in some way, but honoring your wife and giving your marriage everything you've got.

This also means being the spiritual head of your household; providing spiritual direction and pointing your family to God as well as maintaining a vibrant relationship with God yourself.

2. Am I ready to be a father?

It sounds like you already care deeply for her children. That is a great start. Can you love them as if they were your own? Will you be able to spend the time to raise them up in a loving environment that is authoritative but not authoritarian, supportive but not overly permissive, challenging but not degrading?

This will include negotiating parenting roles and responsibilities... things you will need to communicate openly about with your wife, preferably with a pastor, marriage counselor, etc. for added insight and guidance.

3. Can I have a family and still be fulfilled in my work?

Work/family balance is something that many people struggle with, even in very traditional marriages. We men often have a God-given drive to be successful providers, and our work can take us away from time with our families, especially if we travel a lot or work long hours.

To handle this conflict, we need to have a strong set of priorities and realistic expectations. Priorities should be evaluated before making a decision like this one, and then periodically to make adjustments to keep work/personal life in balance. Just know that your career will look different if you are a devoted husband and father than if your are a single person free to spend lots of time working/traveling. That is okay. It all comes back to sticking with what you truly value.

Joshua, as in any healthy relationship, you need to have the best interest of the other person in mind. In this case, there are at least three other people who need you to think of them before yourself. What you are considering is a lot of responsibility, but God never asks us to do anything unless He gives us the grace to handle it.

If you decide to marry her, you will need to have a good support system in place. This means extended family, church family, older mentor couples, counselors/pastors, etc. who can offer you personally and your young family the support you need to live godly lives in a world that often challenges our Christian values.

If you decide that you are not ready for this level of commitment, then you need to explain that to her. Being honest and up-front in your relationship now will set the stage for good relationships in the future.

If you decide that you need to grow and mature before moving ahead, maybe she will be willing to wait? Are you willing to wait to be with her and yet be committed to her? In the meantime, could you both set some goals and make a plan for professional and spiritual growth and stay sexually pure?

Your situation brings up a lot of excellent questions. Sometimes we wish for a quick "do this, don't do that" answer, but I am learning that what God wants from us is different. He wants us to continue to seek Him, His direction and godly counsel. God wants us to use the good reasoning that He has equipped us with. He wants us to ask Him the hard questions.

So I encourage you to continue to "ask, seek knock." Don't be too impatient. I know that life seems short and fast at 20 years old, but God's timing is often different than our own. It may feel like you need to have it all figured out right now, but consider this: It is the journey that God is most concerned about, not the destination. How you handle yourself and make this decision... the reasons that you do what you end up doing... are all-important.

God sees the motivation and the heart behind everything. Point your heart toward Him and keep your motivation pure, and He will help you take care of the rest.

Blessings,

-James

P.S.

Feel free to continue the discussion in the comments...