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Communicating with ChildrenA Short, but Biblical Perspectiveby Stephanie L. BahrThis excellent article on Communicating with Children was written by my good friend and missionary Stephanie L. Bahr. Stephanie works with a house full of orphaned children in Mexico and gracefully meets the extra challenge of communicating with them in Spanish, her second language!
I won't be able to give you the perfect answers, the exact methods, or the best advice. It's possible I won't even be able to influence anything about your relationship or your communication with your children... but I know Someone who can. And He is the reason I am writing down these points, these basics for communicating with children. Everything we need to know as a basis for child-parent relationships is written in Scripture, and it is His grace that allows each relationship to grow, to develop, to mature along different paths. So... for a Godly perspective from an inept human... keep reading! "And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." - Ephesians 6:4 I have been working as a house-mother in a children's home in Magdalena de Kino, Sonora, Mexico for a little over three years (as of Winter, 2009). Prior to this occupation, I had no practical experience with caring for children; and what I had could be relegated to the ranks of a distant Aunt who every-once-in-a-great, great-while helps change a diaper... :) I now care for six children in the position of a single mother (admittedly with a large extended family that includes others staff members), and am learning daily that the biblical role of a parent is not one to be taken lightly. The Bible tells us that it is a privilege as well as a responsibility to raise children to know the Lord; indeed, the role of teaching and training children to honor their Savior is one of the most challenging and yet rewarding tasks we will ever undertake. However, what exactly does "training up a child" mean? What are some of the basic steps needed to start this process? How do we communicate the love of God to children when we feel a lack of communication in our daily interaction? This communication article focuses upon three main areas: 1) Basic Communication Know-How's 2) The Theory of Patience 3)Teaching Children to Love God As mentioned earlier, I do not profess to be an expert... rather, I am a young mother learning by trials (and failures) how to interact with her "children" and - prayerfully - guide them toward a relationship with their Creator. Basic Communication Know-How'sPart 1... Physical Communication
You get out of Sunday School to run out into the sanctuary, find Mom and Dad, and give them your super-cool colored drawing of David and Goliath you just finished... and what do you find surrounding you? Acres and acres of tall, pant-legged (or skirted) individuals towering above you. You sprint in and out of those legs, circling, diving, sometimes hurling yourself between these adult palm trees just to find your parents... finally clasping one in triumph and relief! ...Only to find that you've chosen the wrong palm tree, and the pant leg you've wrapped yourself around is really that of eighty-year-old Mr. Bushy Eyebrows, who mumbles something indistinguishable, scowls through his thick eyeglasses, and reaches a long, wrinkly hand down to (you're convinced) wrap around your neck and throttle you. Can you imagine?!? I think kids probably feel like this a lot with adults towering over them. Any time we approach children in communication, it is always positive to be on their level. Face-to-face, children can sense that you truly want to talk with them... that you aren't such a distant presence. This gives the added advantage of being able to speak directly into their faces, and to hold eye-to-eye discourse. Admittedly, in some cultures eye-to-eye contact is never made; it is a form of disrespect. And yet, whether children are looking you directly in the eyes or at the ground, they can still sense that you are speaking to them and only them if you get on their level. This can also include sitting down and holding small children on your lap. Or - with children at more mature stages - sitting down at a table to talk. Physically, it also important that the authority figure's stance is never aggressive. Even when discipline is being administered or the communication is about a negative subject, the authority should not use physical presence to intimidate. I do not hold the position in this write-up that physical discipline is unhealthy; the Word of God tells us... "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29:15, KJV) ...and I am in total agreement. However, children should be able to realize that the discipline is being administered because of their actions, and the stated consequences... not from the aggressive nature of the authority figure. And it's important to mention that physical communication with children is a very, very positive thing! Even as adults we respond to positive physical gestures (such as hugs, pats on the back, smiles, etc.) and children are no different. It is important to teach children from a very young age what "positive physical communication/interaction" is... and they will learn this best from you! Very young children respond especially well to positive physical communication after discipline. Positive physical communication should be happening regularly between you and your children, but it is important to reinforce your love for your child after especially difficult situations arise over obedience or whatever the issue happens to be; not in pretense, but to instill confidence that you are disciplining in love. Later on in life, this will make it much easier for children to accept that their Father in Heaven also disciplines in love. Part 2... Verbal Communication
You calmly look across to the kitchen counter where crackers, honey, peanut butter, and jelly are smeared from one end of the counter-top to the other, dripped down the side of the drawers, and scattered artistically amongst the little brown size 10 prints that have traipsed gaily (and mockingly, you think) across that once-clean linoleum floor. Your blood begins to pulse, your vision turns a little bit red, and you hit the door with your vocal chords ready to blast anyone and everyone 50 decibels above normal :) I've definitely been there. When communicating with children, our tones say so much - and not just to children, but to anyone with whom we are communicating. Even our lack of verbal communication can say so much in any given situation. The Bible tells us that the tongue is to be greatly feared for all the damage that it can inflict... and how true that is! When communicating with children, there are certain helpful ideas to keep in mind, and to continually practice. The first of these - as mentioned above - is tone of voice. I am not a quiet person. In fact, it's very difficult for me to not let my tone show every single teeny-tiny thought that I am contemplating. But - that is not at all advantageous when communicating with children daily or approaching a child with an act of disobedience. If you are stressed, your tone can show it. If you are angry, your tone can show it. Sometimes, it is not a bad thing for children to realize frustration that their actions have caused (and it's always a good thing for them to hear warmth and caring in an authority figure's tone)... but that should not be the last impression the child has after a conversation has happened. Children - not unlike animals - can be trained to respond to tones of voice as well as the implication behind certain commands. There is an incredible little book titled, Don't Make Me Count to Three: a Mom's Look at Heart-Oriented Discipline 
by Ginger Plowman that delves into all aspects of communicating with children, but especially heart issues.
Plowman asserts that parents don't need to tell their children more than once to obey... it is a learned behavior that can happen instantaneously, or that will wait until the authority figure uses a specific tone or "voice" or word that makes the child obey. These are heart issues... and as parents, we are to cultivate those little hearts toward obedience to the Lord - and obedience to their parents. When verbally communicating with children, it's also important to apply repetition of material. This includes every situation, not just some. The parent or authority figure should explain (especially in discipline situations) what is happening, why it is happening, what the results/consequences of the actions were/will be, and then ask the child to repeat. This isn't a drill sergeant manner, but making sure that children truly understand. It is the same when we are learning how to interpret and respond to the Word of God. We read something, take time to process it, revisit it to make sure we understand, and then apply it. Children are no different - they need time to process situations, actions, etc. This doesn't mean that they won't manipulate the situation if they can! But... it should give parents a starting point for communicating with children - making sure that both parties are not just hearing, but listening. The Theory of Patience"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us." - Hebrews 12:1
I have noticed that my impatience, or my unwillingness to sit down, focus, and take the time to get to the bottom of a situation generally leads to more problems, frustrations, and disappointment for the kids and for me. I will probably never be the perfect parent who can answer every question, every disruption, every squabble with a patient tone - but I am going to try to get there! Patience can diffuse tension. Learning to wait until children have moved past their initial voluble and sometimes physically aggressive moments can be so much more rewarding than pushing them exactly at the moment when they are least ready to listen. "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Proverbs 15:1) we are told in the Bible, and this is true when dealing with both adults and children. Diffusing the situation, focusing upon principles of truth, and then putting those positive changes into action is much more productive than frustration, anger, and bitterness after a verbal cannon has exploded between you and your children. So how do you get to that point? Well - specifically, you don't. Patience is not something that we can purchase by putting a dime in the machine, and whoop! There we go! It takes time to cultivate patience, especially when communicating with children. And honestly, we can plant the seed and tend the soil, but it is God who will bring the increase. It is so much better if He is also planting the seed, watering, and then bringing the increase... because somehow our human hands manage to muck things up far too easily! Don't give up asking for more patience, and then being willing to be grown to a stage of having more patience; after all, it makes sense that in order to have more patience, God will put us into more trying situations.... It's our reaction to those situations that will show whether that particular fruit of the Spirit is truly finding fertile soil within our lives! Teaching Children to Love God"And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment." - (Mark 12:30)There is a minister to whom I enjoy listening who speaks often of the Great Commission - and how that applies to families. His name is Paul Washer, and many of the following comments are influenced by his very biblically-grounded application of what it means to daily teach children about the love of God. Children will learn by example. God's Word tells us: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it" (Proverbs 22:6) It is a huge responsibility to raise children to know the Lord - and if we aren't training our children, who is? Marketers, advertisers and godless entertainment professionals are communicating with children... vying for a slice of their attention and their hearts. God's Word tells us that the responsibility lies with the parents; not the Sunday School teachers, grandparents, or youth organizations... the parents. As a God-given responsibility, this is no easy task... but thankfully we are not in charge... God is. And He will give parents or authority figures the grace to go to Him on our knees (even in times of failure), stand up, and begin anew. My two-year-old copies everything I do. She pushes her sleeves up to mid-arm like I do, she must put on chapstick before walking out the door like I do, and don't even think that she will eat Chow-Mein without soy sauce... :) This "monkey-see-monkey-do" type of situation can be both good and bad. Children can pick up and maintain all the bad habits we have... but they can also learn to follow our examples in good ways. When we - as adults - communicate with other adults, or other children, or even... oh, animals or trees, for example... children are constantly watching. They learn quickly. They observe constantly. And they follow inherently. Children want someone to imitate... and if we, as adults, are constantly striving to follow Christ's example, then that is the example they will imitate. We are to be formed in Christ's image; constantly examining ourselves and looking to Him to mold us, transform us toward the image of His Son. This doesn't mean we always look like images of His Son... some days we despair of ever getting even a portion of that image to match His - and yet, children see the effort, the perseverance. When we present the Bible to children, we communicate our fascination with it. We communicate that we believe this is the true and living Word of God! The stories from the Old Testament are no longer dead and boring... they are filled with life and passion! These stories should be just as exciting to them as any movie or television program... even more so! Because this is truth, and this is applicable in their lives... forever. Not just for an hour or two, but for eternity, Lord-willing. In addition, we are communicating with children a love for God when we get them involved in His service. This is not at all to emphasize works over grace, but to say that children can see the fruits of the Spirit just as clearly as God can - maybe they can't name them all, but can come to see them exemplified in the lives of their parents/authority figures. When parents communicate to their children them importance of living God's love now to others... that is a message that they can carry with them for the rest of their lives, and hopefully pass on to others. In short, God should not be distant for children. He should be immediate and very, very real. And the only way that He will be that real is if He is that real in your life... in my life. As the verse at the beginning of this section states, our first and great commandment is to love our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength... and if we are truly doing that, then everything else will fall into place. Monkey-see, monkey-do. And they certainly will see, and prayerfully do if we are not leading them astray.
If you are interested in becoming a better communicator, consider working with a life coach! Click Here for your Free Consultation...
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If you are interested in becoming a better communicator, consider working with a life coach! Click Here for your Free Consultation...
As I mentioned earlier, I will never be the perfect Mom. But - the Scriptures are the first place to look for guidance in parent-child relationships and communicating with children.
There is a study published by the Biblical Counseling Foundation called Self-Confrontation : A Manual for In-Depth Discipleship  developed by John C. Broger. Lessons 16 and 17 focus upon Biblical parenting, and exactly what that means. I recommend this study as a very strong, foundationally-accurate source for parent-child relationship training.
Also, the book mentioned above by Ginger Plowman, Don't Make Me Count to Three: a Mom's Look at Heart-Oriented Discipline gives some incredible insights into communicating with children.
This is an excellent book... The Heart of Anger 
by Lou Priolo. It is a significant help when dealing with the anger issues every child experiences... even those who are now adults! :)
Paul Washer is the General Director for Heartcry Missionary Society and an itinerant preacher. His sermons can be found at the Heartcry website or online at SermonAudio.com God's blessings to you and yours as you walk a path that leads to obedience in Christ... and becoming closer to Him! |
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