A Guy I Met On A Christian Band's Website

by Katie D.
(New Hampshire, United States)

My name is Katie and I met a guy named Josh on a christian metal band's website The Blessed Resistance. The band is Demon Hunter. Anyways, we're not in a 'romantic' relationship just yet because we both agreed to take it slow.

Josh lives in Ontario, Canada and I live in New Hampshire, United States. There's about a 10 hour distance between us.

However, Josh is planning on visiting me in June for about a week to go to prom with me and spend some time together. I've discussed Josh's existence with my parents and they both feel comfortable about him.

We also keep in contact on Facebook a lot and call each other every once in a while.

Being a devoted Christian myself, I wanted to ask...

What are some good ways to show Josh how much I care about him without going too overboard?

Advice would be much appreciated and God Bless!


James' Answer: No Games

Hi Katie,

In any relationship, it is important to be honest and open with the other person. Some people are so used to "playing games" that openness and honesty are uncomfortable for them. If Josh (or any other Christian man, for that matter) cannot handle a straightforward conversation about feelings and the future, you've got to ask yourself "Is this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?" or even "Is this someone that I want to spend any more of my time on?"

Any Christian man with a mature faith will appreciate honesty and sincerity. Half of our frustration as men is not knowing what women are really thinking, and the other half is fear of what they might be thinking! Letting him know where you stand in plain words is one of the most courageous and valuable moves you can make.

The time that you spend together in June will be a great opportunity to find out how he reacts to this type of communication! I encourage you to just tell him straight out how you feel about him. Have a frank conversation about your relationship and where it is headed.

Pick an opportune moment; don't just blindside him with it during your first day together. It might be best to wait until the end of his visit is drawing near, so that it does not turn out to be an awkward week.

One way to transition smoothly into this conversation is to give him a gift. Always give something personal that shows how well you know him or something that you appreciate about him or includes a memory that you share together. Edible things and useful things also work well for guys, or try written words or music if that is his preferred type of communication. Let this be the opener or ice-breaker...

Leave the conversation open-ended, of course, to allow him to make a graceful retreat if he needs some time to think through the relationship. If you are curious about how he feels about you, then ask an open-ended question (not looking for a yes-or-no response) and show your willingness to wait for an answer.

It is dangerous to have your heart set on a certain response or outcome. We cannot force someone to love or care for us, no matter how much we love or care for them. That is the nature of relationship; it takes a two-way commitment.

The best way to approach the situation is to have your whole self-identity and self-worth wrapped up in the Father's arms. Know who you are as His child, no matter what another person may think or say. Your sense of well-being should hinge on your relationship with the Father, not on the response of another human being. This is easier said than done, I know, but it is very important.

Josh may have a very different way of communicating his feelings than you do. There is a classic book about how different people express and receive love by Gary Chapman... I highly recommend this edition for you: The Five Love Languages Singles Edition. It will help you to determine how he communicates love and how you should communicate your caring to him. Whether or not Josh turns out to be "the one," these are good skills to bring along on the search for lifelong love.

Remember to keep yourself physically pure; saving your body, which is the "Temple of the Holy Spirit" for marriage. It is equally important to keep yourself emotionally pure. Christ placed as much importance on our thoughts and fantasies as he did on our physical actions. Also, repeatedly entrusting our heart to others only to have it broken is very painful and leaves long-lasting emotional scars. Guard your heart; save it for the One who truly loves you unconditionally and forever. And for your future husband.

A great idea is to avoid spending time completely alone together. Always have someone older, wiser and spiritually mature (who is not afraid to hold you accountable to Godly standards) in line-of-sight when you are with Josh or with any other young man before you are married. I know that sounds crazy and old fashioned, but it is classic wisdom that has kept generations of Christians out of physical and emotional trouble.

You can also draw on the wisdom and experience of others by letting them get to know Josh during his visit, and asking for their honest feedback once he has gone. Surround yourself with Godly counsel and you will not be sorry!

Blessings,

-James