The 4 Deadly Horsemen

- Criticism

This Horseman is present in a relationship when one or both of the partners are very critical of the other. Criticism only sees the faults in another person's actions and cannot see the good. Criticism picks the other person apart... it tears them down and threatens the very core of who they are as a person.

As a general rule, Dr. Gottman has found that there should be five positive interactions in a relationship for every one negative interaction. So, if you have something critical to say to your spouse, be sure that you have already sincerely and honestly complimented them in five other ways that day!

- Defensiveness

The Horseman of Defensiveness destroys relationships as well... when a husband or wife is continually defensive, they are keeping their spouse at emotional arm's length. Plus, a defensive person always finds an excuse for mistakes, instead of admitting faults and reconciling differences. Defensiveness is actually a kind of attack. It means that the defender does not trust his or her spouse.

Exhibit trust in your relationship by admitting your faults. This takes great personal strength! Sometimes we are defensive because we think that we must fight to gain any respect in the relationship. There are always other ways to gain respect... Admitting our faults and welcoming suggestions for improvement does not make us weak... it shows our great personal strength and gains respect from others over time.

- Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one person refuses to open up emotionally to the other. This may include changing the subject or maintaining a stony silence. It may be a seething anger whenever a certain topic is breached. It may be a simple refusal to discuss something or a series of excuses to avoid moving in a certain direction.

Usually we stonewall because of fear... fear of the consequences of discussing a topic or moving in a certain direction. The perfect love of Christ can cast out our fear, if we let go of it and cling to Him (1 John 4:18). Avoiding an issue or a discussion or a person for too long just makes things worse and worse. It is better to talk through something difficult than to have a dark cloud hanging over your relationship.

- Contempt

Of the 4 Deadly Horsemen, this one is the most fearsome in any relationship. When a husband or wife has contempt for his or her spouse, the marriage is in serious trouble. Contempt is a lack of respect. It is communicated through very obvious things like slandering our spouse in front of other people... or through something as subtle as an eye-roll when our spouse gives an opinion or makes a comment.

It is important to remember that your spouse is a human being, created in the image of God. As such, he or she deserves a certain level of respect. Also, there are many scriptures that instruct us to love and honor our spouses, whether we are the husband or the wife in the relationship.

If we do not agree with our spouse about something, it is better to have a respectful discussion about it than to express contempt for our spouse as a person. If you would not treat your friend or your pet or even a stranger with contempt, doesn't your spouse deserve better?